Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
When should astronauts retire?
When they start spacing out.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
If you happen to knock down all the pins, don’t be overly excited. Spare us the details.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
How do you write a book about Bats? With a ghostwriter.
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth? A Gummy Bear
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What did the giant say after he ate Fiji?
- I want Samoa!
Why do trees always hate taking tests? Because they keep getting stumped by the questions.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
George Carlin
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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