What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Everybody wants to light up a soccer stadium. However, this is only possible using a soccer match.
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.
"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!
(Larry Huggins)
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
The snow leopard appeared just at the time our guide predicted it. It appeared white on time!
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
I think we need to become better strangers.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Howie.
Howie who?
Howie gonna hide this affair from your husband?
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
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