Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
Pursuing phantoms
Came in the night
From hells realm
Making me take flight
I was so mortally scared
I needed a Bracer
And I quickly followed it
With a Chaser
Though spirituous liquors’
Have their merits
They were no defence
Against evil spirits
- Paul Curtis
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Roses are red, violets are blue,
White wine costs less than a dinner for two.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Caesar.
Caesar who?
Caesar quick, she’s running away.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What is the name of the final exam you take when studying bird law? The crow bar.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
I fernly beleaf my tree puns are qualitree, you can leaf me alone if you disagreen.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Which is the bar downtown that soccer players hate striking on? Crossbar.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
This coffee is too strong. How about a kiss because you are the only sugar I need.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
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