What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
How do horses greet each other?
“Hayyyyy.”
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Today I learned that mosquitoes love type-B blood.
Oops. sorry, type-O.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
A tutor who tooted the flute tried to teach two young tooters to toot. Said the two to the tutor, ‘Is it harder to toot, or to tutor two tooters to toot?
hat’s the most sophisticated kind of bread?
The upper crust.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice burg-ers.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
What do you call a lazy spud? A couch potato.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Go to BabaMail
