You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
What did the skiier say when his standup act was going downhill fast?
There snow possible way these puns could be more painful.
Why didn’t the flower get a second date?
He was garden variety.
Have you heard about the guy who stole a truck carrying supplies of disinfectant? Police say he made a clean getaway.
It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
Hey, do you wanna hear my text tone? Just message me and you’ll see how great it is.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.
- Kim Merryman
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
Was a bit lonely by myself at home last night on Valentine's Day so I decided to make my own bread.
I was feeling quite kneady
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
"When future archaeologists dig up the remains of California, they're going to find all of those gyms, their scary-looking gym equipment, and they're going to assume that we were a culture obsessed with torture."
- Douglas Coupland
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
We're like a 4-Leaf clover. You're the C and I'm the R, and there's love in between us.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
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