Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why shouldn’t you tell an owl your secrets?
They’re always talon everyone.
"The Centipede"
I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.
– May Fenn
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Werewolves love their fast food.
You’re the queen of my heart.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
What happened when the football coach’s dog ran onto the field during a game?
He got called for ineligible retriever down field!
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
You know what you would look really beautiful in?
My arms.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
How Rudolf you to say that!
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
"Time to wine down."
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
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