What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
“The problem with the world is that everyone does not have a brain, but everyone does have a tongue.”
- Raheel Farooq
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
I used to fear giants.
Now I look up to them.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
We’re mint to be.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
Do you know why you need to get up early? Because you’re the sunshine.
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
What goes eek, eek, bang?
A mouse in a minefield!
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
What happens when you shatter your funny bone?
You crack up.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
"A good marriage is like a casserole: Only those responsible for it really know what goes in it." - Unknown
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
If you go to a beach and you can see through it, you could say the coast is clear.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Anything is popsicle during summer!
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
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