My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
"Baby, let me hack your pentagon."
- Person of Interest
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
I'd take that cackhanded banana-bender on a walkabout
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
Join us for plenty of play action.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Have I given you the tour of my estate yet?
It is a Vauxhall.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called SWAT team.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
I once convinced my younger brother to swallow a small lamp.
I got in so much trouble but it was worth it to see his little face light up.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.
“I believe in hard work. But, it will take some time to make this believe into a real thing!"
~ Anonymous
Aunt Kitty who lived in the city
Was thought to be quite witty.
She could make us all laugh
‘Till we cracked in half.
Then gaze at us with such pity.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
What do rabbits like to sing? “Every bunny was kung fu fighting.”
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Noel Coward
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
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