Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug - although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty year old thug thought of that morning.
"Dog and Pony Show"
Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!
– Denise Rodgers
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
“Being a couch potato is dangerous, someone may get hungry and eat you!”
― Unknown
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Hey beautiful! Your face is like a moon. Always glowing.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
Why do cats not laugh at jokes? They take things too litter-ally.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
You’re prettier than a summer day in Lunenburg.
“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
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