What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
You're not allowed to use your hands in this game.
If you cross a bee and a lizard, you'll get a blizzard!
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
What do you call sad coffee?" Despresso.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
I have a bone to pixie with you.
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