You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, It’s overflowing!
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” – Elizabeth Lesser
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
Wanted to use a cheesy pickup line but toBrianna-st with you, I think puns are sort of ovedone
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
What kind of sandwich does Kissy the Elf like for lunch?
A wrap!
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What do you call a loud conversation? A megaphone.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
You are one well-defined function!
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
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