"It's been an emotional day," said the groom. "Even the cake is in tiers."
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
A goal new ball game I he a kick outta you
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Don’t be a wet noodle – join us!
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
Oh wow sorry – I just got l’Austin your eyes.
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
“I would have made a terrible parent. The first time my child didn’t do what I wanted, I’d kill him.”
- Katherine Hepburn.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
Are you an Advil? Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“Little known fact, gentlemen. Tacos are the food of genius.”
― Heather Brewer
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
I'd love to see you s'more.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Why did everyone hide from Sue on her birthday?
Because they wanted her to be Sue-prised!
Is there an excessive heat warning or am I just hot for you.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
Why do brain cells grown in a dish attend the ballet and opera?
Because they are very cultured.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
I have a snake and he wants to enter your garden.
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
“Love means never having to say “Should we get dessert?”
― Unknown
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
Go to BabaMail
