That's a nice dress — where's the rest of it?
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred." —Woody Allen
During the flood, most of our garden was underwater. I felt especially bad for the grass - it must have been grass-ping for air.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Did you hear about the Irish potato that immigrated?
He became a French fry.
This limerick isn’t a stretch.
It’s about an unfortunate wretch.
A werewolf pursued him.
How did he elude him?
He threw it a stick and yelled, “Fetch!”
Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Did you hear about the misguided unicorn lumberjack who was killing humans? He believed he was doing random axe of kindness.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
That boy narrated his-story really well.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
"Wow!" I say. "It's climate change!"
"No body won the skeleton race."
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
I hope you're good at catching cause I'm starting to fall for you.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
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