What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I heard milk does the body good, but man, how much have you been drinking?
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I only have ice for you!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’
"Back that glass up."
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
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