A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.

Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.

What kind of horse would Bilbo Baggins ride?
A shire.

The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.

How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!

When life gives you mold - make penicillin.

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill? He wanted to get to the bottom.

“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.”—Benjamin Franklin

Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station

Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.

What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.

Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!

Roses are red

Violets are blue

You made my life a mess

Please call a clean-up crew

What do you call a negative fog?

A pessimist.

Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.

“Our perfect companions never have fewer than four feet.”

- Colette.

Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”

Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!

The superconductor left without resistance.

What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes

You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.

A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!

The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.

Does February like March?
No, but April May.

Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.

Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..

Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”

Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.

“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous

Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.

My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.

I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!

What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship

Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.

There was an Old Man on some rocks,
Who shut his wife up in a box;
When she said, 'Let me out!'
He exclaimed, 'Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box.'

So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:

"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."

He was not impressed.

If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you

You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!