“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
Did you hear about the scared kangaroo?
Yeah, he was a bit jumpy.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
A crow’s favorite nutty dessert is Pecawn Pie.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
Are you a healing plant? Because Aloe you Vera much
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
"After a good dinner, one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations."
— Oscar Wilde
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
What do you call a furniture store that is over 30 miles away?
The Sofa-r store
Double bubble gum, bubbles double
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
Where do fish sleep?
On a seabed, and sometimes they vacation at the river bed.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
Hey, wanna be Jere-MY-ah?
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
"Yeah, working is great… but have you tried traveling?"
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
We are perfect balance for each other.
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
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