Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
What do you call a Pharaoh playing a trumpet?
Tooting’khamun
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
I am a mean green machine.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What kind of cheese do alcoholics eat?
Livarot.
How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
I like books, you like books, why don't we start writing the story of us?
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I'm snow bored.
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
"Rosé all day."
Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
Don't fret because
you're one year older.
But if you need
a caring shoulder
Mine's right here,
So have a cry.
Although I can't
imagine why?
You're aging
gracefully, you know?
And getting wiser
as you go.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
Snow on and snow forth.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
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