Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
“If you need me, I’ll be inside until April.”
If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d move U.
Because you’re blocking the TV.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
“The most delightful advantage of being bald—one can hear snowflakes.”
– R. G. Daniels
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I wasn't making enough money as a keyboard percussionist so I started moonlighting as gun salesperson.
I go from glockenspiel to Glock and spiel.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Toucan.
Toucan who?
Toucan play at that game!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause, you look out of this world.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
Remember me? Oh I'm sorry how would you know me, we've met only in my dreams.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Let me tell you about my grandfather. He was a good man, a brave man. He had the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
We are perfect balance for each other.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
Wanna go back to my igloo and cuddle?
A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
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