Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on
It takes one to snow one.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Eddie edited it.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Did you hear about the incident at the tiger exhibit?
It was a big cat-astrophe
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
Let’s take an elfie.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.
"Fitness: If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body."
- Cher.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
"Hey girl, I don't have power and success, but I'm funny."
- Modern Family
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends — but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.”
What is an ogre's favorite snack?
Y-ogre-t.
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
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