Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist's work.
They finally went with mine.
"I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral," I said.
"No," said the boy. "Your painting's wider, so it'll cover more holes in our wall."
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
What do you call a Koala that can pick up an elephant ? Sir!
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
Hey girl, are you a Sharpie? Cause you are Ultra Fine.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
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