What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
I'll be making a movie about the Greek alphabets.
It's a Psi Phi film.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
What do you call it when your nose is stuffy at the rodeo?
Cowboy Boogie.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
Do you have an inhaler? You took my breath away.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
“Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” - Kitty O’Neill Collins
“If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.” — Sam Levenson
It was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
“Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.”
― Unknown
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
There once was a young man called Kyle,
who worked at the circus a while.
He flew through the air,
with hardly a care,
and that's why his body's in a pile.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
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