“Stretch marks are just rad lil’ lightning strikes here to remind you that you are a force of nature.”
I’m not usually one for Austin-tatious pickup lines, but I decided to make an exception for you.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
I'd buy a tandem bike just to ride with you.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
So how many cats do you have?
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood, buckets of bug blood.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
How does a hairdresser stop themselves from cutting their own hair?
By sheer will.
What's the difference between an internet troll and a video game character?
Video game characters have lives.
Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
You are aged to perfection.
Which tooth did Avogadro have pulled?
One of his mole-ars
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
One day, tamarind, curry and ice were crossing the road. All of a sudden they heard a gunshot. Then, tamabrind ball, curry duck and ice-cream!
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Best in snow.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
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