There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
Hey, wanna come to my place and observe something else that's constantly expanding?
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
Why did the acid go to the gym?
It wanted to become a buffer solution.
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt
"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
I’m no adjective; I would never want to modify you.
Reading is a novel idea.
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
I couldn't chair less!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
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