I'm pine-ing for you.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
I’d like to tell you folks a joke about paper, but It’s tearable.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Avoid pier pressure.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
Andy Borowitz
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
"Taxes grow without rain."
- Jewish Proverb
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Go to BabaMail
