When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
I love eating glow worms
Especially as a light snack
There's a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
The plant was tired of being boring.
It has decided to turn over a new leaf.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
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