Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.
My roommates insist that our house is haunted
I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food, I could almost afford a small popcorn.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
What do you get when a penguin lays an egg on a hill?
An eggroll.
If a star fell for every time I thought of you, the sky would be empty.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m missing half of my heart and so are you.
I've recently got a job making chess pieces.
I'm mostly working knights.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
The ocean made me salty.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
Do you find bone puns humerus?
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
I would part the Red Sea for you.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
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