What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.
"I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination."
- Gossip Girl
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
After making love the other night, I told my spouse that I love when the whisper sweet things in my ear...
So my spouse leaned in close and whispered..."Syrup."
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
When the cow forget how to give milk, she was udderly confused.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
All these years of technological developments and I still haven’t seen a colour photo of a zebra.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
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