Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
I’ve never experienced having my dream come true, until the day I met you.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
"Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it." —Lily Tomlin
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
You can call me Jonah.
Because I'm going to show you a whale of a time.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
What did Sherlock Holmes say to Watson when he noticed sandstone deposits on the river bank? "It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Is it hot in this Bikram studio, or is it just you?
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
“I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.”—Cameron Esposito
It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Did you hear about the panda that had a slight stutter?
Seems it’s a story that bears repeating.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
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