Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!

When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.

What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.

I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.

What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!

Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.

Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.

Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.

Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.

“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney

Hey girl…
Can I call-cu-later?

What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.

Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.

We’ve got serious chemistry.

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White

It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.

Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!

What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!

I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.

In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.

What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!

You're the only sight I want to see today.

Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.

My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife

My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."

Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories

Daughter: I think I'm going to put my hair in a bun tomorrow.
Dad: We're all out. You'll have to use bread.

How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.

What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.

Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.

A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."

What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.

What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy

Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.

Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.