“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What type of elf has the most books?
A bookshelf.
I whale always love you.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Oswald.
Oswald who?
Oswald my bubble gum!
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
My wife’s an abysmal cook.
She tried combining corned beef, onions and potatoes…
She made a right hash of it.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
Bookworms take shelfies.
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
– Abraham Lincoln
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”
Erma Bombeck
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
I used to go out with a homeless girl, like you. It was great. I could drop her off anywhere.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
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