What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!

I used to hate tennis, but ever since I’ve started winning 6-0, I love it now.

"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck

Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!

"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride

What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.

What's the opposite of urine?
I'm out.

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle

What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.

Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.

Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed

You have been running through my mind all day.

Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.

It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.

There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"

So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."

So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"

So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."

What side of a tiger has the most stripes? The outside.

What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E

Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.

What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting

I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."

Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!

Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.

What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
Steven Wright

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.

Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.

What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...

Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.

When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.

Son: does Easter Bunny set out 12 eggs in the field to search for?
Dad: no he dozen’t.

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney

Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.

The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

It's tough to tell if the sky is ever happy or not. It always looks so blue!

"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.

Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.

My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.

What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.

I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.

You must be a flip turn because I’m head over heels for you.

Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.