The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
You make the Queen of Sheba look like a hobo.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
Will Rogers
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
What do you get if you cross a tree and a baseball player? Babe Root.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
What does a cat wear to stop smelling? Antipurrspirant!
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
"Taurus won't forget it. Taurus doesn't forget anything."
— Linda Goodman
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Trumpester: Did you hear my last recital? Friend: I hope so.
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
Q. Where do gorillas get their gossip?
A. From the grapevine.
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