Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Why did the pony ask for a glass of water?
Because he felt like he was a little horse.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My friend asked me how big the ocean is.
I said "can you be more Pacific?"
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
Don’t moss around.
You know what they say... Big Feet.
Before the Koalaville basketball team can play for the national championship, they have to make it through the koalafying rounds.
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
Why didn’t the baby leave his momma?
Because he couldn’t bear it!
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
You look like my future ex wife.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Is it true that you are from China since I’m China get your number?
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
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