What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
“An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” — Niels Bohr
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
– George Burns
We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.
What are your times? Because I can show you the time of your life.
I’m trying to find a date for this weekend…do you Noah guy?
I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
There was a fire at the yodeling school. Everyone was asked to exit in an orderly orderly orderly manner.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
Those who study the moon for their course or as a habit, are optimists. And that is because they look at the brighter side always.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.
What’s a mouse favourite family sitcom?
Full Mouse.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Baby, we need to get together before Christmas, because you can't spell "love" with No-el.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
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