What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What kind of driver never get a parking ticket? A screw driver
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark? a yardvark!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What's taken before you get it? Your picture.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What season is it when you are on a trampoline? Spring time.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
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