What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
What has one head, one foot and four legs? A Bed
What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? the alpha bet
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!
What kind of lunch do moms never prepare in the morning?
Their own.
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? Because they're all in High School!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
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