Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? Nobody nose.
Q: What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil?
A: I hear the doctor is taking us out tonight!
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
What event do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming!
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
What do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Crispies!
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What do you call a dentist in the army? A drill sergeant
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
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