How do billboards talk?
Sign language.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? Reports say it was due to too many strokes.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
What does Minnie Mouse drive?
A Minnie van!
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race? The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
Q: Has your tooth stopped hurting yet?
A: I don't know, the dentist kept it.
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