Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
An innocent fellow named Tim
Met a zombie quite horrid and grim.
Tim patted its head
Before it had fed.
I wonder what happened to him!
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
"You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place. Like on your sofa, not doing yoga."
- Grant Tucke
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do you call a dinosaur that's a loud sleeper? A Snore-a-sorus
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
Why are goldfish orange?
The water makes them rusty.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Your treat or mine?
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Go to BabaMail
