I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What do you get when you cross a bean and an onion?
Teargas.
Digital burgers are nothing but processed meat.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
"Fun"
I love to hear a lobster laugh,
Or see a turtle wiggle,
Or poke a hippopotamus
And see the monster giggle,
Or even stand around at night
And watch the mountains wriggle.
– Leroy F. Jackson
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
By any chance, is your atomic number 11? Well, it’s because you are sodium fine!
When the little unicorn got bullied at school, he told his pop-corn so he could do something about it.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
You must be a narrative hook. Because you’re stuck in my mind.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
"If you feel bad at 10 miles, you're in trouble. If you feel bad at 20 miles, you're normal. If you don't feel bad at 26 miles, you're abnormal."
Rob de Castella
You sleigh me.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
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