Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
Some things have to be believed to be seen. -- Ralph Hodgson
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
“The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.”
-Dave Barry
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
Water you doing?
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory. I couldn't keep the space clean.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What did Prince leave on the neck of his guitar?
Finger prince.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Are you into hockey? That's great because I'd like to score.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
What kind of car do bears drive?
Fur-aris.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
Ah, I always knew all Alexanders were Great
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
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