A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
What do you call a police officer who plays the drums?
A beat cop.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Why couldn't the skeleton play football?
He didn't have the guts.
From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
I whale always love you.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
I met a man with a glass eye this morning...
He didn’t tell me, it just came out in the conversation
"Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit." ~ George Carline
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
I was driving through the safari park when my sat nav said “bear left”. It was clearly a zebra.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star.
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
Honey, you’re a slam dunk!
I'm a good basketball handler, what about you?
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
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