What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Call me Hamstring, 'cause you've pulled.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What are you doing this saturday? I've got a football match, but I'd rather score with you
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.
(By Faaizah)
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
I love you from my head tomato
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.
There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
A woman gets into an accident while driving. She tries to explain to the officer that it wasn’t her fault. She says the other guy was drinking and on his phone! The officer looks at the lady and says, "Mam, he could do that in his own backyard.”
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Jester
Jester who?
Jester silly old man!
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot? A carrot!
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
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