"Americans will eat garbage provided you sprinkle it liberally with ketchup."
— Henry James
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
A Rabbit's flatulence.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.
A crow invited his buddies over to hang out but they didn’t show up.
He was charged with attempted murder.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
Hello there, how do you brew?
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
You better watch out before you play a game with any bread? Baguette ready to lose.
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
I can heartly wait to see you.
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
If I were to wander around in Italy...
Would I be roamin'?
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
My ex husband went to a colonoscopy the other day.
Good news: They found his head!
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
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