Pugs and kisses.

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!

What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.

“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell

If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!

Aaron you glad I messaged you first?

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha

“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown

Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!

"Back that glass up."

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.

Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.

“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!

You are so right. And I am so left.

Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.

“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn

"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."

Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!

The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.

I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.

Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.

I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!

Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.

What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!

“The road to success is always under construction.”

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.

Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.

Why do psychiatrists study bats?
They want to learn about their hang-ups.

Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

Which front-office type is the most promiscuous? The general ménageur.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.

How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.

I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

You know, I didn't kiss my wife until I was married...
because she wasn't my wife until we were married.