What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
Wanna see my world cup in action?
Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you
What did the flower write in his mother’s day card?
I’m proud to be orchid.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.
"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David
"Hey baby, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of y'all!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
My divorce attorney
You must be Egyptian, because I'm a enslaved by your eyes.
It’s so cold refrigerators are redundant.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
Must dash.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
I'm going to start watching my caffeine intake because baby you make my heart palpitate.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
You set my heart bonfire.
Q. What do gorillas and big apes do to make each other laugh?
A. They tell punny jokes about humans!
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
Go to BabaMail
