"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
“Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.”
- Gil Stern
“I’ve had entire relationships that didn’t get as far as these airport security checkpoints.”
— Michael LeRoux
“Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.”
– George Carlin
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
"Like all bad drivers, he thought he was the best driver in the world."
- Rebecca West
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
"I bought my wife a ticket to go on a cruise. It's no Titanic, but I'm optimistic."
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"I wish I was a postcard. For under a dollar, I could travel to any location in the world."
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"People that insist upon drinking and driving, are putting the quart before the hearse."
– Gilbert K. Chesterton
“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
"I feel like most of my work problems could be solved with a trip to…anywhere."
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."