“If everything comes your way, you are in the wrong lane.”
On Big Ben. “It’s just a big clock? I don’t understand all the hype with this clock. It is literally just a clock. It’s going to be a digital one in thirty years anyway. ”
— Montgomery Smith
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
"The devil himself had probably redesigned hell in the light of information he had gained from observing airport layouts."
- Anthony Price
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
"Only on a cruise shiip will you pay hundreds of dollar a day to sleep in a closet."
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
"People complain that there are delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years."
- Louis C.K.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
“Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic.”
– Dan Rather
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
"You call it chaos. We call it a family vacation."
"If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them and half as much money."
– Abigail Van Buren
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
“Forget champagne and caviar – taste the world instead!”
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
"I haven’t worn these trousers since I bought them. I should definitely pack them for my 3-day vacation. Just in case."
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
"Drive slow and enjoy the scenery - drive fast and join the scenery."
- Douglas Horton