"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
My neighbour didn't like it when I told him off about hoarding toilet paper
To be honest, I think he was being very anal about it.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.