A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.