Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"