My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.