If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
After making love the other night, I told my husband that I love when the whispers sweet things in my ear...
So my hubby leaned in close and whispered... "Syrup."
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
I bought my missus an egg-beater for our wedding anniversary.
I knew she wanted me to whisk her away.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
Why didn’t my husband laugh at my awesome ice cream joke?
Because he was laughtose intolerant.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I found out my wife is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.