nickel Jokes

A nun was flying to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again! Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind." Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time." She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel." "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents." "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80." "After that," the old rich man continued, "I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on." "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh" "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!," she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through the change."

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it and so far, I've made $20!"

A woman got up and out of bed and stretched and a penny fell out of her privates. She thought it was odd but kept on with her morning routine. She went to put on a pot of coffee and a nickel fell out of her privates. She was concerned but continued her morning routine. She drank her coffee and went to brush her teeth when a dime fell out of her privates. She really was getting concerned and thought to herself, "if anything else happens, I'm calling the doctor!". She got dressed and started to tidy up the house, and a quarter fell out of her privates and rolled down her pant leg. Concerned, she called her doctor. She told him.....a penny, a nickel, a dime an then a quarter. "No need to worry," He said "you're just going through the change."

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent. I asked for the cause of a lesser amount; And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.” I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries; And there, once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me. He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.” Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature; But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day, And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt), and my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure. You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage that chlorine has done. Washing my hair has turned it all white, But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right. My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!” My car has no scratches… not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.” My friends all get older… much faster than me. They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see. I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure, But don’t call me old… just call me mature. The steps in the houses they’re building today Are so high that they take… your breath all away; And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow. But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new, And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure, I’m not really old… I’m only mature!