What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.