How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.