What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.