What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.