Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins