What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What is the favourite food of the Egyptian god? It is the Ramen.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why did the ancient Egyptians used to bury their Pharaohs in several layers of coffin? It was called multicasking.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.