Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What type of food do mummies like?
Chicken wraps.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Q: What was the pharaoh's favorite football team?
A: The Mummy Dolphins
Q: What do you call a mummy who wins the lottery?
A: A lucky stiff
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They use masking tape
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
Q: Why did the mummy walk out of his tomb after 1000 years?
A: He figured he was old enough to leave home
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
What do you yell at two mummies making out in public?
Get a tomb!
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy