What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Why wasn't the archaeologist interested in girls?
Because he only dated mummies.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
What did Pharaoh say when the seventh plague struck his land?
"Aw *hail* naw!"
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What is the best job for a mummy during holidays? A gift wrapper.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Q: What do you get when you cross an Egyptian pharaoh with a mechanic?
A: Toot and Car Man.
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.
How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
Did you hear about the mummy who goes to university? His favorite subject is Cryptography.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.