I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.

here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.

It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

"Grandparents' Advice"

Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!

– Mary R. Hurley

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?

I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane

(Anonymous)

You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

"Family Likeness"

"You're just like them!" they say.
And me, I yell, "No way!
He's so moody,
She's so shrill,
His chin juts out,
Boy can she shout!
His nose is big,
And mine's quite small
There's no resemblance at all."

But then on days of harmony
I find that I agree.
Our family is made of different parts,
But we're all the same
In our hearts.

– Alison Jean Thomas

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.

Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.

I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.

(Anonymous)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.

- Randy Johnson

My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!

There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.

There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.

(Anthony Gallagher)

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise