There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.
I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.
I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.
I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.
I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.
I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.
Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.
(Unknown)
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:
Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod
Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!
'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!
It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!
Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
My mother loves butter more than I do,
more than anyone. She pulls chunks off
the stick and eats it plain, explaining
cream spun around into butter!
- Elizabeth Alexander
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.
The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!
Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.
As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.
So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.
But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!
- Denise Rodgers
There was an Old Man of Coblenz,
The length of whose legs was immense;
He went with one prance
From Turkey to France,
That surprising Old Man of Coblenz.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
"Bee and Bee"
The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower
As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.
– Patrick Winstanley
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
There once was a farmer from Leeds,
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
It soon came to pass,
He was covered with grass,
But has all the tomatoes he needs.
"The Upside-Down World"
I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;
And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;
And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.
– Hamish Hendry
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.
And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.
All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.
To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.
So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!
(By Pamela J. Langdon)
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!
Happy Birthday, Old Buddy!
Are you like me a bit?
I let my mind wander,
It didn't come back...
But better over the hill...
...than under it.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
There once was a fellow named Abe
And today is the day he was slayed
John Wilkes Booth took his life
As he sat with his wife
Who was visibly shocked and dismayed
In Kentucky Abe Lincoln was born
A State that would later be torn
When a war was declared
And a nation prepared
For a lot of dead soldiers to mourn
He moved the Hoosier State
Where they always have corn on their plate
In the law he was trained
Much respect he attained
Winning many a rousing debate
In The Senate he later would serve
With copious gusto and verve
Then The White House he sought
Which he won by a lot
But many down south were unnerved
As President, Lincoln decided
That the law of the land was misguided
And that slaves should be freed
But the south disagreed
And the country was badly divided
What ensued was a horrible war
Full of death and destruction galore
The battles were heated
The south was defeated
But one aimed to settle the score
Now one hundred and forty-nine years