There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!

(Susanna Rose)

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

Turkey, Turkey,
full and fat.
November's near.
You'll soon go splat!
They'll roast you up
and slice you thin.
Oh, what a mess
you're surely in.
Mixed with stuffing
and some sauce.
It's plain to see
the cook is boss.
But what would truly
give you joy. . .
would be a turkey
made of soy!

- Denise Rodgers

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

"Glow Worm"

Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!

– Taylor Russell

"Have You Ever Seen"

Have you ever seen a sheet on a river bed?
Or a single hair from a hammer’s head?
Has the foot of a mountain any toes?
And is there a pair of garden hose?

Does the needle ever wink its eye?
Why doesn’t the wing of a building fly?
Can you tickle the ribs of a parasol?
Or open the trunk of a tree at all?

Are the teeth of a rake ever going to bite?
Have the hands of a clock any left or right?
Can the garden plot be deep and dark?
And what is the sound of the birch’s bark?

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"

I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.

– Judith Viorst

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you

(Anonymous)

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

"Bed in Summer"

In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.

I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.

And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.

"The Little Turtle"

There was a little turtle.
He lived in a box.
He swam in a puddle.
He climbed on the rocks.

He snapped at a mosquito.
He snapped at a flea.
He snapped at a minnow.
And he snapped at me.

He caught the mosquito.
He caught the flea.
He caught the minnow.
But he didn’t catch me.

– Vachel Lindsay

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

We are often greatly bothered
By two fussy little men,
Who sometimes block our pathway –
Their names are How and When.
If we have a task or duty
Which we can put off a while,
And we do not go and do it –
You should see those two rogues smile!
But there is a way to beat them,
And I will tell you how:
If you have a task or duty,
Do it well, and do it now.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?

May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.

May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.

(Kevin Nishmas)

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.

Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.

He was delicious!!

(Shel Silverstein)

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!