Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because there's a new issue with you every f**king day.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
We're donion rings.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put I at the beginning and U at the end.
Hey Pumpkin, I just wanted to say that I'm done with having Halloween every day.
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Hey, did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because honestly, Karen, you are a demon.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
I think it would be hot if we f**ked other people. Exclusively.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
You are so right. And I am so left.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.
Hey, are you an anchor? Because you've done nothing but weigh me down.
You look like my future ex wife.
Here, look at this blank piece of paper for a second… I wrote every reason why we should stick together on it.
Did we fall from the sky? Because we look pretty broken up right now.
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Can we still share a netflix account?
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you're evidence that I made a mistake.
Honey, I need you to cancel my subscription. I’m done with your issues.
I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.
I think we need to become better strangers.
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
I really like you. So does my wife.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
They say one man's trash is another man's treasure. I hope you find someone who treasures you.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Hear that sound? (cup hand to ear) Yep- that's a dump truck, and it's coming for you!
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
I don’t know what I’d do without you, but starting tomorrow I’m going to give it a try.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
Let’s make like a banana and split.
It's not you...it's your taste in music.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Hey baby, you know what sounds good? You and me never speaking to each other again.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.