Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.