What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.