My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language