I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.