What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.