What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.