My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Today, my son asked, “Can I have a bookmark?”
I burst into tears. 12 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.