My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Women should not have children after 34.
Really, 34 children are enough.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.